Someone told me I needed to forgive you. For hurting me – three damned years ago.
I nodded my head in assent, thinking I have already done that when I left the set of keys to your house, turning my back on every whispered prayer, leaving with it my pride, tattered fragments of my soul, and two years’ worth of tears and misery and… happiness.
Three years.
Then AJ called me up, someone who spouted such high ideals and principles and beliefs about morality and the sacredness of friendship. She then told me that she likes you, that you’re already a couple, that you’re enjoying yourselves, that she’s telling me all these because she does not want me to hear the news from someone else, and that she hopes I’d be happy for the two of you.
I still thought I was okay. A bit shook up, but okay. E ano nga naman ba kung ibinigay ko sayo ang buong pagkatao ko sa loob ng dalawang taon na tinalikuran ko ang lahat ng pinaniniwalaan ko para maipaglaban ang isang kahibangang inakala kong pag-ibig?
Then another blow – I just found out that the two people who I thought were the only ones who understood me in that small world I lived in for four years – they’re now your “real and true friends” when you needed someone to stick with you.
I know!! I know I should be happy that at least you weren’t alone. I know I should not feel hurt. I should not feel betrayed. Because no one has betrayed me. No one. They have every right to be your friends. You have every right to be comforted. You are still human. Yes, you’ve made a lot of mistakes. Yes, you’ve hurt a lot of people. But you still have the right to be loved and feel loved.
Pero putanginang masakit e.
It’s still hard for me to accept that I have tried so hard to let you go. Let go of all those dreams and hopes I thought existed for us and between us. In vain!
In the end, I need to forgive you still. More importantly, I need to forgive myself – for being stupid enough to let you get the best of me… for loving you so much until I forgot who I was… for letting go of you out of spite and anger and hatred… and for loving you still. Not as much as I have loved you. But still… a part of me will always exist. For you.
Damn you.
Damn my stupid stubborn heart.
